Dear ESPN,
Enclosed is a rough commercial script treatment I have in mind to take people's minds off of the widespread year of scandals, lockouts, and your supporting SOPA. In response, please send me some sponsorship money, several assistants for my actors, and a case of grapefruit:
EXT. DAY. BACKDROP OF PAINTBALL FIELD. ANNOUNCER IS A SMARTLY DRESSED MAN 25-35. WILL ALSO CONSIDER JAMES EARL JONES OR MORGAN FREEMAN.
Announcer: "In today's economy, potential sponsors need to know that they can trust their players on the field. Integrity, sportsmanship, and reliability are just some of the hallmarks on what makes a well represented paintball team. But what about off the field as well?"
SCENE 1:
CUT TO EXT. DAY. WOMAN IN BUSINESS SUIT IS STUCK ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD WITH A FLAT TIRE. NO ONE IS STOPPING FOR HER. SHE DIALS HER CEL PHONE AND SAYS:
WOMAN: "518!"
SMASH CUTS: CU OF THE WHEELS OF A FORD CROWN VICTORIA SKID TO A STOP. SEVERAL BOOTS HIT THE GROUND. IMMEDIATELY A CREW OF 518 PAINTBALLERS START WORK ON REPLACING THE TIRE. TWO MEMBERS TAKE UP GUARDING POSITIONS AROUND THE WOMAN. TIRE IS REPLACED. FLAT IS PUT IN TRUNK. HOOD IS SLAMMED DOWN.
TEAM LEADER (On Radio): "Mission complete."
OFFSCREEN RADIO: "Mission Complete."
CUT TO SHOT OF TEAM 518 BUMPER STICKER ON CAR AS IT DRIVES AWAY. WOMAN WAVES FAREWELL AS SHE FILES AWAY THEIR BUSINESS CARD.
SCENE 2:
INT. NIGHT. HIGH SCHOOL DANCE.
YOUNG MAN, 14-16, DRESSED RESPECTABLY. FEELS OUT OF PLACE AT DANCE, NERVOUS ABOUT ASKING GIRL, 15-16 ON FAR SIDE OF DANCE FLOOR.
YOUNG MAN, TRYING TO WORK UP THE COURAGE TO GO ACROSS THE FLOOR, GETS SUDDEN INSPIRATION:
Young Man: "518!"
CUE DOORS SLAMMING OPEN WITH BACKLIT SMOKE MACHINE. ENTER FOUR PLAYERS FROM THE 518, WHO DESCEND DOWN THE STAIRS AND TAKE UP FLANKING POSITIONS AND MOVE THE YOUNG MAN ACROSS THE FLOOR.
CUE YOUNG WOMAN LOOKING UP INTO SUDDEN GLOW OF LIGHT THAT IS THE 518th, AND THEN TO THE YOUNG MAN.
CU SHOT ON HIS EXTENDED HAND, WHICH IS TAKEN BY THE YOUNG GIRL, AND THEY MOVE TO THE MIDDLE OF THE DANCE FLOOR.
CUE DJ, WHO SEES THE TRIUMPHANT MOMENT AND CUES UP APPROPRIATE MUSIC. ENTIRE GYM EXPLODES INTO TRIBAL CELEBRATION AS (optional: House Of Pain's "Jump Around", "Ballroom Blitz" by The Sweet, or possibly JMX/Elvis Presley's "A Little Less Conversation".
CUT TO 3-SECOND SHOT OF 518 PLAYERS OBSERVING SCENE. ECU SHOT OF DANCE FLOOR MIRRORED ON THEIR REFLECTIVE LENSES AS THEY BOB THEIR HEADS TO THE MUSIC. PLAYERS TURN AND EXIT BACK UP THE RAMP, STOPPING TO SIGN AUTOGRAPHS.
YOUNG MAN, 14-16, DRESSED RESPECTABLY. FEELS OUT OF PLACE AT DANCE, NERVOUS ABOUT ASKING GIRL, 15-16 ON FAR SIDE OF DANCE FLOOR.
YOUNG MAN, TRYING TO WORK UP THE COURAGE TO GO ACROSS THE FLOOR, GETS SUDDEN INSPIRATION:
Young Man: "518!"
CUE DOORS SLAMMING OPEN WITH BACKLIT SMOKE MACHINE. ENTER FOUR PLAYERS FROM THE 518, WHO DESCEND DOWN THE STAIRS AND TAKE UP FLANKING POSITIONS AND MOVE THE YOUNG MAN ACROSS THE FLOOR.
CUE YOUNG WOMAN LOOKING UP INTO SUDDEN GLOW OF LIGHT THAT IS THE 518th, AND THEN TO THE YOUNG MAN.
CU SHOT ON HIS EXTENDED HAND, WHICH IS TAKEN BY THE YOUNG GIRL, AND THEY MOVE TO THE MIDDLE OF THE DANCE FLOOR.
CUE DJ, WHO SEES THE TRIUMPHANT MOMENT AND CUES UP APPROPRIATE MUSIC. ENTIRE GYM EXPLODES INTO TRIBAL CELEBRATION AS (optional: House Of Pain's "Jump Around", "Ballroom Blitz" by The Sweet, or possibly JMX/Elvis Presley's "A Little Less Conversation".
CUT TO 3-SECOND SHOT OF 518 PLAYERS OBSERVING SCENE. ECU SHOT OF DANCE FLOOR MIRRORED ON THEIR REFLECTIVE LENSES AS THEY BOB THEIR HEADS TO THE MUSIC. PLAYERS TURN AND EXIT BACK UP THE RAMP, STOPPING TO SIGN AUTOGRAPHS.
SCENE 3:
INT. DAY. OFFICE CUBICLE "FARM"
CU OF SUPERVISOR BERATING OFFICE WORKER. SUPERVISOR IS 40-50 YEAR OLD, OUT OF SHAPE, SWEATY, WILD-EYED.
Supervisor: "...and those TPS reports are late again, Johnson! I own you, etc. etc..."
CUT TO JOHNSON, WHO IS SLOWLY BUCKLING UNDER THE STRESS AND ABOUT TO REACH HIS BREAKING POINT, WHEN:
Johnson: (cocking an eyebrow) "518th!!!"
SMASH CUT TO OFFICE DOOR BEING KICKED OPEN AND REPLACED BY THE VIEW OF THE BOTTOM OF A COMBAT BOOT. CUE 1 SECOND BURST OF SHRIEKING VIOLINS AS 518 ENTERS THE ROOM IN "DYNAMIC ENTRY" FASHION. CUT TO CU OF SUPERVISOR WHO TURNS IN A SPRAY OF SWEAT AT THE INTRUSION AND BEGINS TO SNIVEL. CUT TO JOHNSON WHO GRINS IN MANIC GLEE.
OPTION 1: SCENE PULLS BACK TO A WIDE SHOT OF THE OFFICE. 518 MOVES FROM RIGHT TO LEFT IN A MASS, YELLING: "HUT HUT HUT HUT", AND SUPERVISOR IS LOST IN THE STAMPEDE, EXITING LEFT.
OPTION 2: FIRST RANK OF 518 DROPS TO ONE KNEE, REVEALING PLAYER WITH UNUSUALLY LARGE ROCKET LAUNCHER. CUT TO LOOK OF DAWNING HORROR ON SUPERVISOR'S FACE. CUT TO EXT BUILDING SCENE TO SEE DUMMY DRESSED IN SUPERVISOR'S CLOTHES BEING BLOWN OUT A WINDOW.
CUT BACK TO A SATISFIED-LOOKING JOHNSON, WHO LIFTS A CUP OF COFFEE. CUE BOTTOM TITLE FADE-IN: "THIS IS PAINTBALL."
CU OF SUPERVISOR BERATING OFFICE WORKER. SUPERVISOR IS 40-50 YEAR OLD, OUT OF SHAPE, SWEATY, WILD-EYED.
Supervisor: "...and those TPS reports are late again, Johnson! I own you, etc. etc..."
CUT TO JOHNSON, WHO IS SLOWLY BUCKLING UNDER THE STRESS AND ABOUT TO REACH HIS BREAKING POINT, WHEN:
Johnson: (cocking an eyebrow) "518th!!!"
SMASH CUT TO OFFICE DOOR BEING KICKED OPEN AND REPLACED BY THE VIEW OF THE BOTTOM OF A COMBAT BOOT. CUE 1 SECOND BURST OF SHRIEKING VIOLINS AS 518 ENTERS THE ROOM IN "DYNAMIC ENTRY" FASHION. CUT TO CU OF SUPERVISOR WHO TURNS IN A SPRAY OF SWEAT AT THE INTRUSION AND BEGINS TO SNIVEL. CUT TO JOHNSON WHO GRINS IN MANIC GLEE.
OPTION 1: SCENE PULLS BACK TO A WIDE SHOT OF THE OFFICE. 518 MOVES FROM RIGHT TO LEFT IN A MASS, YELLING: "HUT HUT HUT HUT", AND SUPERVISOR IS LOST IN THE STAMPEDE, EXITING LEFT.
OPTION 2: FIRST RANK OF 518 DROPS TO ONE KNEE, REVEALING PLAYER WITH UNUSUALLY LARGE ROCKET LAUNCHER. CUT TO LOOK OF DAWNING HORROR ON SUPERVISOR'S FACE. CUT TO EXT BUILDING SCENE TO SEE DUMMY DRESSED IN SUPERVISOR'S CLOTHES BEING BLOWN OUT A WINDOW.
CUT BACK TO A SATISFIED-LOOKING JOHNSON, WHO LIFTS A CUP OF COFFEE. CUE BOTTOM TITLE FADE-IN: "THIS IS PAINTBALL."
*slow clap*
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